A couple's voluntary relationship
is an interesting and paradoxical union, as one's partner is simultaneously
your greatest friend and fearsome enemy. They know all your
strengths and weaknesses. In addition, any union of two unrelated
people is inherently fragile. Most couples, at some point in the course
of the relationship, become familiar with that fragility.
I had the good fortune of becoming interested in marital and family therapy early in my career 30 years ago. That has led me into contact with lots of couples. Whenever a married person seeks
therapy, the partner is always 'present' regardless of the style of
therapy. Marital work is sometimes best accomplished with the regular
attendance of both partners. Other times, one or both partners may
have specific issues that need to be addressed in order for the relationship
to evolve. A simple rule of thumb is that couples are developmentally
paired. If the developmental levels of the partners are too different,
it is more difficult for the relationship to last.
Instability in a relationship
arises for many reasons. Some of those reasons fall under the category of 'external stresses'. For example, chronic financial stress
puts an added burden on any family. Raising children, aging,
and dealing with illness are all factors that contribute to unbalancing
a couple's relationship.
Another set of stress factors
fall into the 'developmental changes' category. These have
to do with a partner's respective psychological, spiritual, and value-based
changes, or maturation. People must change in order to stay alive
and grow, and so must relationships. The problem is that we practically never
change at the same rate as our partner.
A relational imbalance is most
likely to occur in two particular situations: at times of significant
stress in the couple/family; and in situations when one partner is
changing quickly relative to the other. For couples, these include
changes in jobs, geographic location, financial status, birth of children,
periods of illness in the couple, changes in health or loss of a parent,
spiritual awakenings, etc.
I always try to work with couples
from a resource-base, rather than a pathology-base. An essential premise
of my work is that any problem is a window into potential solutions. Accordingly,
I try to help partners become more comfortable with exploring the 'normal' difficulties that keep them tied up. This involves
learning how to relax when thinking about the things that have been
disturbing them, and learning how to be present with their partner
without resorting to those natural, but usually problematic, behaviors of
attacking (anger, blaming, arguing) or withdrawing (depression, addiction,
affairs, overwork).
Feel free to call or
me with questions about my work with couples.